One-Liners

You know it is going to be a bad day when the letters in your alphabet soup spell D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R.

A fire hydrant has H-2-O on the inside and K-9-P on the outside.

Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written. (Credit: justbadpuns.com)

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I've just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

Velcro—what a rip-off!

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I'm not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

The best thing about good old days is that we were neither good nor old.

I have clean conscience. I haven’t used it once until now.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

A pig stands in front of an electric socket: “Oh no, who put you into that wall?!”

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe: “Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!”

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

“Um.” —First horse that got ridden  

A lot of people cry when they cut onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.

Some people just have a way with words, and other people … oh … not have way. Steve Martin

The four most beautiful words in our common language: 
I told you so. Gore Vidal

All pro athletes are 
bilingual. They speak English and profanity. Gordie Howe, hockey player

I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by. Bonnie McFarlane

I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. During the night, the tape skipped. Now I can only stutter in Spanish. Steven Wright

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more.

When I was growing up, my mother’s best dish was store-bought Entenmann’s chocolate chip cookies. —Michael Ian Black, 
from Navel Gazing (Gallery Books)

“Next time I send a damn fool, 
I go myself.” —Sgt. Louis Cukela, reportedly said at the 
Battle of Belleau Wood during World War I

Probably the worst thing you can hear when you’re wearing a bikini is “Good for you!” @ElizaBayne

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship. Comedian Dick Gregory

A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times. @DamienFahey

The Revenant (2015). 
An epic tale of one man’s desperate journey to 
do whatever it takes to 
finally win an Oscar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell)

Luke Skywalker is my favorite hero that looks 100 percent prepared to figure skate at all times. @thenatewolf (Nathan Usher)

If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found a treasure map by now. @LizHackett

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears, you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this, now?” @KarenKilgariff

Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions. @SCbchbum (Erica)

Drama: a word boring people use 
to describe fun people. @jennyandteets (Jenny Mollen)

“If you lived here, you’d be om by now.” Alan Zoldan, Wesley Hills, New York

1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow. A second nice shirt. 3. OK, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts. @Ristolable

No, I’m not walking on string-cheese stilts. These are just my first bare legs of the season. @sassycurmudgeon (Una LaMarche)

Red sky at night, shepherd’s 
delight. Blue sky at night, day. Humorist Tom Parry

One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends. @MichelleIsAWolf (Michelle Wolf)

We can teach kids there’s no i in team, but it’s way more important 
to teach them that there’s no a in 
definitely. Humorist Aaron Fullerton

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine. @RobinMcCauley

The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form. Businessman Stanley Randall

Please stop calling us your “squad,” Linda; this is book club. @RandiLawson

I once gave my husband the 
silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, “Hey, we’re getting along pretty great lately!” Bonnie McFarlane, 
from You’re Better Than Me

Hallmark: “When you care enough to give a card mass-produced by 
a corporation.” Ritz crackers: “Tiny, edible plates.” CliffsNotes: “They’re still going to know you didn’t read the book.” Gillette: “We’re just going to keep adding blades.” ChapStick: “You’ll misplace it before the tube’s empty.” Hot Pockets: “Every bite is a different temperature.” Source: honestslogans.com

Don’t get upset if I ask you 
where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop. Humorist Reid Kerr

I think it's pretty cool how 
the Chinese made a language entirely out of tattoos. Submitted by Adam Joshua Smargon, Newark, Delaware

I’m trying to get into classical 
music, but I can’t find any original recordings. All the music is performed by cover bands. Dan Burt, on humorlabs.com

Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside. @JoshGondelman

There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss. @michmarkowitz (Michelle Markowitz)

Been reading up on the 
thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage. @dinokitten

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works? @bridger_w 
(Bridger Winegar)

We get it, poets: Things are like other things. @shutupmikeginn (Mike Ginn)

Yeah, I’d probably freak out too if 
a raven flew into my house. That poem still holds up. @SeanWhiteComedy 
(Sean Gilbert White)

I’m writing my book in fifth person, so 
every sentence starts out with: “I heard from this guy who told somebody ...” Demetri Martin

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP. @RobinMcCauley

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace. @longwall26

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m turning my house into an Italian restaurant. Patrick McLellan (@pmclellan)